By Susan Temple, MA, BCC, ACEP
How do you build confidence in yourself? I used to think that you had to have confidence to do things outside of your comfort zone. I learned from coach Rhonda Britten that it’s actually the opposite—you build your confidence by doing things outside your comfort zone. You have to be willing to feel the fear and discomfort and do it anyway. Here’s a story I wrote a few years ago about one of my own experiences building confidence outside my comfort zone:
“I had a note on my calendar to go to a cafe in St. Paul to hear some old friends play music. It was Saturday night. Remember how it felt in high school, if you had nothing to do on a Saturday night? I’m 65 and divorced, and I still feel like a bit of a loser if I have nothing to do and no one to do it with, on Saturday night. Maybe I haven’t quite grown up. I’ve learned that I feel better when I plan ahead and go somewhere, see some folks. I had talked with a friend about going to the café together.
My friend was a “maybe” to start with and ended up being unable to go. Ah, there’s the rub. It’s too late in the day to find someone else. Do I go alone? There may be people I know in the audience, but they would all be more like acquaintances. What does it look like when I show up alone? Do people think it’s sad? Am I, in fact, a loser? And I’ll have to drive all the way up there alone. Is it safe to walk from the place to the car alone, after dark? Am I too tired? Do I really want to go? Is it worth it? Fear was on patrol, trying to keep me in my comfort zone, keep me safe.
I knew if I didn’t go, I’d spend the evening vegging on the couch. I reminded myself that I’m committed to doing things that lift my heart and soul, and music does that for me. So, I took a shower, got dressed, and headed out.
There was one more blip, one more opportunity to let fear run the show. I was about a third of the way there when I discovered I’d forgotten my phone. Oh boy, should I turn back? Is it safe to go out at night by myself without a phone? What if I have a problem, how will I call someone? Should I go and get the phone? Or forget the whole thing?
I wasn’t sure if it was the sensible thing to do, to keep heading north, but I reminded myself that I went places without phones for most of my life. I reminded myself of the time in California when I had a flat tire and a dead phone and I was by myself in unfamiliar territory, and I figured it out. Lived to tell the tale, repeatedly. I remembered that some of my best memories come from times when I was a little shy of sensible.
I enjoyed the evening. I noticed another woman sitting alone at a table and thought she was brave and interesting, not a loser. I talked with some nice folks and enjoyed the music. I got home safely, feeling content. And, I will feel more confident the next time, because I took this risk, this step outside my comfort zone.
Is there a tiny step you’d be willing to take, to build your confidence? Go for it!